As a lad who is renowned for his modesty, it is with some difficulty that I write this script about my recent experience of participating in the British Open Squash Tournament in Nottingham. It is only due to the death threat from the web master that I have agreed to put pen to paper.

My only previous experience of this event is when I played in the Over 45s section a couple of year’s ago that was staged at Lambs in London. Being a bit of a country boy locating lambs, I thought, would be a bit of a doddle but, of course, I had completely missed the point. However having eventually located the premises, I was promptly dispatched in about 22 minutes by one Mark Cowley who could have easily popped over to Radlett and achieved much the same result! My desire, therefore, of meeting the South Pacific Open Champion or the Middle East King of the Court did not come to fruition and I was left to rue the fact that I had been stuffed by the Bailiff of Middlesex.

However time is a great healer as well as being quite important when wanting to move to another age category. Having enjoyed a fallow year in 2002, the entry form (and £19.50!) was duly dispatched for the 2003 Over 50s extravaganza in Nottingham. With bated breath and the hope that all other potential players would either not know where Nottingham is or feel that the event was not timed for their peak performance period (PPP for those people that like acronyms), I awaited details of the draw. Despite a little exaggeration on the form where it asks for details of your latest results (OK so Peter Marshall was only 10¹/₂ but I still beat him) I still ended up drawing Dave Adams, one of the 3 / 4 seeds.

Having been to the Nottingham Squash Club once before (when I enjoyed a spectacular victory in an Over 45s County match against a bloke from Cheshire who swapped hands and played everything forehand – but that’s another story) it came as no surprise that I had trouble finding the place. What is it about me and Squash Clubs? I’ve been known to ask directions to Radlett and I’ve played there for six years! Anyway I was able to relax and soak up the atmosphere for the three and a half minutes I had before I was due on court. It’s a wonderful environment. The smell of Deep Heat combining with the aroma of copious amounts of bulls**t tells you are in the presence of many old squash legends.

My first game was an epic. Mind you so was War and Peace and that also went on for a long time and had a similar soporific effect on those who were fool enough to read the damn thing. To be fair though, a seventy-minute slog against the favourite to reach the semi-finals and to come through 3 –2 is worth shouting about. However there’s no need because all the losers have already gone home and the others just want to talk about their miraculous victory against all the odds. I have to admit I did feel sorry for the car park attendant who whilst very polite did appear to stifle a yawn after I had regaled him for 30 minutes on the brilliance of my cross court nicks and my mental strength at crucial times in the game. Then came the fun bit…………..

Have you ever tried booking a hotel in Nottingham on a Saturday night at the last minute? As I never thought I’d last many more minutes than I had two years previously, the booking of over-night accommodation was something that I had not contemplated. Having suddenly realised I would be on court again the following day there was need to secure a bed for the night. Ten ‘phone calls later I was in at a place that must remain nameless mainly because;

1. I don’t want to give it any publicity and
    
2. I don’t want anyone who knows me to know I stayed in such a place.

Suffice to say that the accommodation for breakfast doubled-up as an Indian restaurant at night and the room had lovely views…………of the room next door through the hole in the wall! I knew I was in trouble when I fused all the lights when flushing the loo! (OK so I made the last bit up - it was when I turned the bathroom light on.)

Fully refreshed for the battle that lay ahead (!) I killed time spending a fortune in the shops in the City Centre before losing my way to the squash club again. But it was all worth while when I realised I was mixing with all the top names in the game. Thingymebob was having a knock-up with whatshisname and that bloke who was on Sky a couple of weeks back was practicing his shots and the chap who used to play and then gave it up was there doing a bit of media work – or something.

When I eventually got on court at 6.45 I was a little taken aback by the lack of interest from the spectators. Apparently Jamie Willstrop was playing Neil Reddington on an adjacent court but why they would choose that game to watch I don’t know. Anyway 50 minutes later I find myself in the British Open Over 50s semi-final. Leon Kirton from Durham was my worthy opponent but having tripped him up twice I think he realised I was not going to give up lightly. A 3 – 1 victory was secured and I could dream about my hotel again – not!

A drive back to Hertfordshire was considered to be the best idea and despite a slow trip due to motorway congestion, a night in a familiar bed more than compensated for the journey. Despite aching bones, tired muscles and mental strain it was back to Nottingham for the semi. No excuses – I was hammered! Dave Manning, the eventual winner of the event, was my opponent and a class act in every way. Despite perhaps not playing as well as the previous two days there was little I could do against a guy who always seemed to have three options when he was on the ball and knew where I was going to hit it when it was my turn!

In conclusion it has been a great experience mixing with some top players, meeting up with some old friends and playing and watching some super squash. Roll on next year – should I be bold enough to book my accommodation in advance?

Anon.
(Phil Collins)